Dumb Things People Do

Date Received: Fri, 6 Mar 1998

Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!. As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life...

Police in Germany opened fire on a runaway calf with a submachine gun when it tried to escape from a slaughterhouse. A spokesman said it took "several shots with special ammunition" to kill the baby cow... gee, they're strict...

Born loser? Blame your parents. Researchers in Wales now say that your bad luck may be more than, well, bad luck. Professor Peter McGuffin says you may be genetically programmed to lose. "Adverse life events," says the professor, "happen more frequently" to genetically unlucky people... Mommy says I'm special...

So this guy must be the super race: a monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row... so much for that vow of poverty...

223 inmates who escaped from a northern Honduras prison last week were recaptured today... maybe they should have split up...

Lost your virginity? Don't worry: you can get it back. Dutch surgeons are performing the operation on adolescent girls "who are no longer virgins but wish to appear so..." fortunately, the operation is easily reversed...

A man in Clifton, Colorado apparently got so caught up in his "Tomb Raider" computer game that he forgot he wasn't supposed to use a real gun. Sheriff's deputies confiscated Douglas Miller's shotgun after he fired it at his computer screen... my highest score ever...

Richard Stone of Cheddar, England somehow managed to get trapped when his own van rolled over him and pinned him to the ground. Stone cried out for help, but no one heard him -- no one except Sonny, a macaw parrot who lives nearby. When Sonny began to mimic the man's cries for help, two passers-by heard the parrot and freed Stone... Polly want a medal?

Doctors in California have a new treatment for wrinkles: injecting "Botox" directly into facial skin. You may want to think twice, though. "Botox" is short for botulism toxin, the deadliest nerve poison known to man...

A Costa Mesa, California man allegedly robbed taxi driver James Hooper with a large caliber handgun, then tried to escape on foot. One foot, to be exact. Police say Timothy Lambert's gun accidentally discharged, shooting his own foot. Officers followed a trail of bloody prints a short distance before arresting Lambert...

A doctor in Nairobi successfully removed a bean lodged in a young girl's ear. According to the Daily Nation, when her parents told him they didn't have enough to pay his bill, the doctor "grabbed the child and forced the bean back into her ear..."

Believe it or not, there are some people who just don't like the Spice Girls-- about 2 million of them. That's how many hits the "Slap A Spice Girl" website reports so far.

A Seattle hospital technician was arrested this week after he doused his boss with gasoline and tried to set him on fire...

When Raymond Lutz of Great Falls, Montana was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off..."

A German toolmaker has been arrested for extortion after threatening auto maker Daimler-Benz. The unnamed man had demanded a helicopter and millions of German marks, or he would "kill drivers of Mercedes cars..." hey, most of them paid cash anyway...

In other German automotive news, BMW announced the first factory-standard armored passenger car. The car is outfitted with body armor, bullet-resistant glass, and tires that can go 50 mph after being shot out. Look for the 540i Protection model in showrooms soon... why don't they just call it the Drug Dealer Special Edition?

My Funny Valentine: police officers in at least four states are in cyber- trouble after exchanging explicit email messages with a 17-year-old Illinois girl. Eight deputies in North Carolina alone have been disciplined. The teen's mother says the cops "took advantage of her daughter's innocent adventures," but an attorney for one suspended officer sees it differently. "This young woman," said Troy Spencer, "has made contact with a very vulnerable element of our society -- police officers..."

Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain...

Just ask your mother: researchers in Minnesota have linked poor dental hygiene to heart disease, strokes, emphysema, and premature births. Scientists warn that the bacteria in your mouth can travel through your body, putting you at risk for chronic diseases... doctors said the germs may also "cause your face to freeze that way...)

Pennsylvania state police have refused to return the "water bong" they seized from Timothy Martin during a traffic stop on Interstate 80. Martin told police the bong was "an heirloom," and that he wanted it back... it was grandpappy's favorite...

A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker...

Date Received: Fri, 27 Mar 1998

...Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

...And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

...Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

... And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

...The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

...Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

...Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

...Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

...Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

Date Received: Tue, 14 Apr 1998

Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!. It's the Best of Bizarre!, Volume Zero...

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain...

Members of the First Church of the Nazarene in Ironton, Ohio, held a record burning after evangelist Jim Brown told them that the song "A Horse is a Horse" - the theme song from the Mr. Ed show - contained satanic messages when played backwards...

Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death...

In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth... he's just lucky he wasn't sandwiched between mattresses...

Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived...

Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations...and if I don't get this taken care of right away, I'm going to have to shut me down...

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked...

Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..."

A Toronto gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see...

Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man in Sacramento, California, was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start... and of course, you heard about those awful chainsaw massacres in Texas...

Police in Morecomb, England, report that a human foot washed up on the beach matched another foot found a month earlier at another location. The rest of the unidentified victim has not been found... but he couldn't have gotten far...

A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left...

In a sad story from Boston, a giant 30 pound lobster was being weighed before its donation to the city aquarium, when it fell off the scale and died. The giant lobster's shell was irreparably cracked. "We're devastated," said a spokesman for the aquarium... so are we... now where's the cocktail sauce?

And this just in...French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost... nope, it's a foot alright...

Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes...

In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky". According to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation-- except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane...

Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head...

Rufus Spittle of Butthair, AL cut his nose off with a Garden Weasel and fell into a deep depression. Desperate to cheer up, he wisely contacted the company with the world's best-selling, funniest bumper stickers: Bad Cop-No Donut, Discourage Inbreeding-Ban Country Music, I'd Rather Be Spanking The Monkey, Racists Eat Poo, and many more. We kick butt at http://www.idiot-ink.com/

In the Netherlands, an airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane...

Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed..." America, land of the free, home of the rectal patdown...

E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the Levelland, Texas District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars". The judge agreed...

In Clearwater, Florida, a 70-year-old man was killed while sunbathing in a lounge chair at the beach, when a bulldozer ran over him... hey, we asked him to move...

A 73-year-old Milwaukee woman has lost her suit against the local Catholic Church, after an electronic scoreboard fell on her during a bingo game in 1990. Mary Verdev was asking for $90,000 in damages, claiming that since the incident she experiences spontaneous orgasms, sometimes in "clusters"... b-b- b-b-bingo!

That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true.

Date Received: Fri, 17 Apr 1998

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Excerpt from a live radio interview on a regional Welsh radio station:
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club: Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?
Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, sailing, canoeing, archery, shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?
At this point, the interview was terminated.