Greetings you will never see on a Hallmark Card

"Congratulations on becoming life partners! Too bad no one likes the one you chose."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Dad, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama & Tennessee)

Date Received: November 30, 2004

(Duplicates from the above list deleted)

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

I've always wanted to have Someone to hold, Someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.