The Canonical List of Elephant Jokes

Mini Table of Contents
1) Introduction
2) PS
3) Non-QA Jokes (40)
4) QA Jokes (Squeaky Clean, Semi-Offensive, Offensive)

INTRODUCTION (by Tim Nelson)

This list has been generated from my own collection, as well as the lists of "The Shadow" and "bobk". (Additions are from the collections of Owen Carter and Harold Reynolds

WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated": please take this into consideration when distributing this list.

Additional notes by Harold Reynolds

See also, in Wikipedia: Elephant Jokes

1. Non-QA Jokes

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he's out back" After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me." But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant: "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"

- similar joke below -

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." "Be my guest!", said the elephant. So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant. Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo." Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety. Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants or: There's Money in Elephants (*)
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol. 1-6 or: Elephants and the Polish Question
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Irish book - Elephants: Protestant or Catholic? (*)
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
New Zealand book - Elephants and the Treaty of Waitingi (*)
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

(*): from Hugh Young, Feb 8, 1995

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

Don't call an elephant, he may come!

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."

A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician." "What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked. "We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half." "The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked. "No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. (Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)

An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.

Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Telephone Joke: "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"
The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -- Zisla

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- General Sedgwick's last words

Knock, knock. Who's there? Elephants. Elephants who? Ella Fintzgerald!

In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and astound the elephant.
Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the trunk, into the esophagus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'
The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.
When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'

ELETELEPHONY Once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)

The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.

A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"

How to Catch a White Elephant
Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
GreenPeace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And [fill-in random Eastern European Country] submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead."

Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set out to conquer the known world. After a series of successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band together under the leadership of the best general they had - "George-the-Turk". George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the world.

While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle. Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibal was not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibal to rent enough elephants for the job. Hannibal agreed and also sent along his best elephant handler.

This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise.

The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army. Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river. George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John - to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world.

With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK!!!!!

All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the enemy camp. All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:

"As near as I can tell -- It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer"!!!

Two elephants - Harry & Faye Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way So they boarded a plane They're now kissing in Maine Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.

Once a bunch of ants was busily constructing an ant hill. After four months of extensive work, they were about to get it inaugurated by the president of the Ant Association of America when a mad elephant came charging on the scene. He crushed the ant hill and also crushed some ants in the bargain. All the ants scrambled for the trees and climbed onto the highest branches. Suddenly one of the unfortunate ants fell off the tree onto the back of the elephant. Out came a roar from all the frenzied ants on the branches: "CRUSH THE BASTARD! CRUSH HIM!!"

2. QA Jokes

2.1 Squeaky Clean

What Do You Get When You Cross An Elephant With...

• A beaver? Hoover Dam.
• A cat? Something that purrs as it squashes you.
• A dairy cow? Peanut butter.
• A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.
• A frisbee? A hernia.
• A grape? Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
• A jack o'lantern? A huge pumpkin with a fire extinguisher.
• A kangaroo? Bloody great holes all over Australia.
• A mountain climber? Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
• A mouse? Very large holes in the baseboard.
• A peach? A ten-ton ball of fuzz charging at you.
• A rhinoceros? Elephino!
• A sheep? Enough wool to knit a skyscraper.
• A shotgun? An elephant with a double-barrelled trunk.
• A skunk? Very few friends.
• A Volkswagen? A little car with a big trunk.
• A whale? A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
• An ant? A dead ant.
• Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? None of the offspring survived.
• Peanut butter? Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
• What does the cross between a parrot and an elephant say? "Polly want a cracker ... NOW!"

Elephants In The Fridge/Car

How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.

How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.

What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.

The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.

How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!

What game do four elephants in a VW play?
Squash

How can you tell if there's an elephant in the back seat of your car?
If the front wheels don't touch the ground and someone keeps stealing your peanuts, it's probably an elephant.

What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Why don't elephants shut the refrigerator door?
They are afraid with the light out.

Clothing-Related

Why don't elephants wear shoes?
They can't tie the laces on their back feet when they have shoes on their front feet.

Why did the elephant wear ripple-soled shoes?
To give the ants a 50-50 chance.

Why don't elephants wear high heels?
They think they already have pretty ankles.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
To keep from sinking into the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?
To look for elephants that weren't wearing sandals.

What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.

Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
No, of course not.

Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Why do elephants wear sneakers?
To sneak up on mice.

Why do elephants wear sneakers?
Coaches won't let them on the gym floor without them.

Why do elephants wear green sneakers?
So they can hide in cabbage patches. (From mark koeberl)

Why do elephants wear ice skates?
They can't play hockey very well on skis.

Why don't elephants wear purple coats?
They don't want to be mistaken for grapes.

Do you think an elephant looks silly wearing pearls?
Not if she's wearing a black dress.

Why did the elephant wear silver earrings?
Gold was too expensive.

Why don't elephants wear knickers?
Nobody wears knickers anymore.

Why do elephants wear red earmuffs?
White gets dirty too quickly.

Why did the elephant wear horn-rimmed glasses?
He didn't like contact lenses.

Why don't elephants wear stockings?
Pantyhose are more comfortable.

Why don't you ever see an elephant in a gold lamé‚ dress?
Most of them have better taste.

Why did the elephant wear green eye shadow?
To match her green dress.

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
If you had as many dumb jokes told about you, you'd want to wear sunglasses too.

Why did the elephant wear red suspenders?
The blue ones were in the wash.

Why do elephants wear green felt hats?
So they can walk across pool tables without being seen.

Why don't elephants wear blue pin-striped suits?
They look best in grey. (From mark koeberl)

What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.

What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.

Trunk-Related

Why do elephants need trunks?
Most beaches won't let them in without them.

Why don't elephants wear bikinis?
They already have trunks.

Why don't elephants play basketball?
You can't find five elephants willing to have purple trunks.

Why don't elephants use automatic clothes dryers?
Their trunks get all tangled up.

Why did the elephant drive to New York?
They wouldn't take a trunk on the plane.

Why do elephants make good switchboard operators?
They're good with trunk calls.

Why do elephants stay home on weekends?
They feel silly going anywhere with a trunk for two days.

Why do elephants have trunks?
They can't afford glove compartments.

Miscellaneous

What do you call 500 elephants at a concert?
The audience.

Why don't elephants like turnips?
For the same reasons that people don't like turnips.

Why don't elephants fly?
Because airline tickets are too expensive.

Why don't elephants cross their eyes?
Because i's are dotted, t's are crossed.

When does an elephant charge?
When he doesn't have the cash.

Can elephants see at night?
Not with their eyes shut.

Why don't elephants sing?
Maybe they don't want to be mistaken for birds.

What do you do when an elephant has hay fever?
Stay about a mile away.

How do you keep an elephant from getting angry?
You had better find out.

Why do so many elephants live in zoos?
It's cheaper than an apartment.

What happened when the elephant took a bus?
The police made him give it back.

How can you tell an elephant from a bottle of potato salad?
If you can't, don't come to my picnic.

What does an elephant do for a cold?
He probably doesn't want one, so don't ask.

Why don't elephants live in grass houses?
The beams are hard to chew.

Why aren't elephants square?
Some of the old fuddy-duddies are.

Why don't elephants lay eggs?
They can't get into birdhouses.

Why don't elephants have feathers?
It would confuse duck hunters.

What would happen if elephants had feathers?
Pillows would be a lot cheaper.

Where are elephants found?
Where they were lost, usually.

How do you fill an elephant's tooth?
Very quickly.

Why are elephants vegetarians?
Who can afford to eat 125 pounds of hamburgers a day?

Why did the elephant buy a blonde wig?
She was tired of her red wig.

Why don't elephants go to costume parties?
They're not usually asked.

Why don't drunks see blue elephants?
Blue elephants aren't allowed in bars.

Why did the elephant take geometry?
The algebra class was full.

Where does a ten-ton elephant sleep?
Wherever he wants to.

Why don't elephants buy ten-speed bikes?
They can't use hand brakes.

Why don't elephants have long toenails?
Because they are cheap-looking.

Why don't elephants use typewriters efficiently?
Some do, but don't like to capitalize on it.

Why don't elephants smoke?
They do if they're lit.

Why do elephants have good memories?
I forget. I'm not an elephant.

Why did the elephant take up the saxophone?
She was tired of trumpeting.

What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant?
Sir.

Why don't elephants waterski?
Very few own boats.

Why do elephants spray themselves with water?
They can't get into shower stalls.

Why don't elephants like beer?
Who said they don't?

Why don't you see elephants in elevators?
Because they hide in the back corners.

How can you tell an elephant from a giraffe?
Say "Hi giraffe" and if it doesn't answer, it's probably an elephant.

Why don't elephants do the minuet?
Orchestras don't play the minuet anymore.

Why don't elephants take subway trains?
They're too hard to carry up the stairs.

What's a good elephant's name?
Henry. Why? Ask Henry; he's a good elephant.

Why don't elephants like mice?
They don't want people to think they're cats.

Why do elephants live on the savannah?
They're too big to fit in igloos.

Should you laugh when an elephant makes a people joke?
Unless you enjoy being thrown 50 feet in the air, you should.

How can you tell if an elephant has stolen your bicycle?
There are ruts three feet deep in your yard.

How can you tell if an elephant has used your toothbrush?
It smells of peanuts.

Why do elephants travel in herds?
If they travelled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.

What did Jane say when she saw an elephant in formal attire?
"It must be after six."
What did Tarzan say? "Maybe he's our waiter."
What did the elephant say? "I hope they don't think I'm a penguin."

Why did the elephant call in sick?
Nobody ever calls in well.

How can you tell if an elephant has slept in your bed?
Look for peanut shells under the pillow.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your bedroom?
By the wrinkled sheets and the strong smell of peanuts.

How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
If you need a ladder to get down and you're not in a bunk bed, there's probably an elephant down there somewhere.

Where do blue elephants come from? Unhappy families.
Where do white elephants come from? Church bazaars.
Where do yellow elephants come from? Chickens.
How do you kill a yellow elephant? Say "Boo!" He'll die of fright.

Why don't elephants chew gum?
Maybe they do, but not in public.

Why don't elephants make good bartenders?
People stop drinking when they see them.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in a bar?
a) Peanut shells on the floor. (From mark.koeberl)
b) The place is empty. Everyone saw him and went home.

Why do elephants give themselves showers?
Who else is going to?

Why don't a lot of elephants have Master's degrees?
There aren't a lot of elephants anymore.

Why do elephants sleep with their legs in the air?
To trip hummingbirds.

What is an elephant after she is five years old?
Six years old.

Why do the natives run through the jungle? Elephant stampede.
What's that stuff between the elephant's toes? Slow natives.

Why are elephants grey?
To distinguish them from blueberries.

Why are elephants terrible dancers?
They have two left feet.

Why did the elephant paint her toes many different colours?
To hide in a box of Smarties.

Which came first, the elephant or the mouse?
The elephant. It was running away from the mouse.

Why did the elephant go over the mountain?
She couldn't go under it.

How do you scold an elephant?
Say, "Tusk, tusk!"

How can you tell an elephant from a professor?
The elephant remembers.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
Time to get a new car.

When twelve elephants fall into a lake, what is the first thing they do?
Get wet.

What did the elephant do when he broke his toe?
He called a tow truck.

Why did the elephant leave the zoo?
She was tired of working for peanuts.

How do you get a napkin from under an elephant?
Wait for it to get up.

How can you keep an elephant from smelling?
Tie a knot in its trunk.

How long should an elephant's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.

Why do elephants have ivory tusks?
Iron ones would rust.

Why don't elephants ride tricycles?
They don't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Why don't elephants play basketball?
They can't buy round sneakers.

What can a canary do that an elephant can't?
Take a bath in a dish.

What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish; clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?
An elephant with one wet shoe.

Why do elephants have wrinkled legs?
From tying their tennis shoes too tight.

Why do elephants have pointed tails?
From standing too close to pencil sharpeners.

How do you make an elephant light?
Stick its tail in the socket.

Why do elephants trumpet?
Because they can't learn to play the violin.

What's grey and yellow and grey and yellow and grey and yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.

Why did the elephant eat some mothballs?
To keep moths out of his trunk.

How do you make a statue of an elephant?
Take a piece of rock and carve away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

How do you run over an elephant?
Climb up his tail, dash to his head and slide down his trunk.

How can you tell if there's an elephant on your back during a hurricane?
You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.

What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Baby elephants.

Why do elephants hide behind trees?
To trip ants.

Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From playing marbles.

Why can't two elephants go into the water at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.

How do we know elephants are always unhappy?
Because of their great size.

You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards you. What do you do?
Make a trunk call and reverse the charge.

Why are elephants wrinkled all over?
They are very hard to iron.

What's the difference between an elephant and a doughnut?
You can't dunk an elephant in your coffee.

What do you get when an elephant squirts water from its trunk?
A jumbo jet.

How many elephants can you put into an empty sack?
Only one. Then the sack is no longer empty.

Why do elephants have short tails?
Somebody pulled their trunks.

What's the difference between an elephant and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in an elephant.

What's big, grey and mutters?
A mumbo jumbo.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
An elephant with a nosebleed.

What did the psychiatrist charge the elephant?
$60 for the session and $200 for the couch.

What's a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.

What's big and green and has a trunk?
An unripe elephant.

What do you do if an elephant has a cold?
Run like mad before he sneezes.

What did the elephant say over the microphone?
"Tusking, tusking, one, two, three."

What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?
Nothing, but it did let out a little wine.

What's big, grey and dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun.

"Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing elephants with big yellow spots!" "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" "No, just elephants with big yellow spots!"

How does an elephant dive into a pool?
Head first.

What do you call a baby elephant in the water?
A little squirt.

What's the first thing an elephant does in the morning?
Wake up.

Why did the elephant paint himself black?
He wanted to fool his shadow.

How do you get an elephant from a bowl of cake mix?
Follow the instructions on the back of the box.

How do you treat an elephant?
Take it out for a night on the town.

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.

What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

What is grey and not there.
No elephants.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.

What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 mph (8 kph in the rest of the world)

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
Its bike is outside.

How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.

How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
They're both blue, except for the elephant.

What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

What did Jane say?
"Here come the blueberries!" (Jane was color blind)

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance."

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.

Why are elephants' feet round?
To fit on lily pads.
Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Why are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Parachute him from an airplane.
Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.
-OR- That's when the elephants jump from their nests in the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A pachydermatologist.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to Pink Panther movie theme).

What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.

Why do elephants lie on their backs?
To trip low flying canaries.
Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
He wasn't lying on his back.

Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
(In the Noddy series of children's books (probably UK based), the elephants were bad characters and Noddy had a friend called "Big Ears".)

How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.

What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.

What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.

What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!

What do elephants use for slippers?
Sheep!

What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

How do you prevent an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its trunk. (From Vijay Jayachandran)

What's gray all over and has a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation. (From Vijay Jayachandran)

What did the elephant say when he met Tarzan?
"Hi!"

2.2 Mildly Offensive

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

- similar joke -
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A native eating cherries.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.

Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.

What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas...

What did the female elephant say during sex?
"Can I be on top this time?"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A two-ton pickup.

What did the elephant say to the nude man?
Cute, but can you breathe through it?

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off!

How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
VERY attractive.

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

What's grey and comes in quarts?
An elephant.

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life!!

What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
Swim for your life!

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.

What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A blow job.

What do elephants use for condoms?
Garbage bags (or snakes).

Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!

What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
Look what I just stepped in!

How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
Stuff a bale of hay in it.

How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
One straw at a time.

2.3 Offensive

Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Why do elephants have four feet?
Because lady elephants have big twats.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pigmies.

How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

What is the height of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole.

What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
Elephant boogers.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")

What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.