I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman phone in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into...
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with...
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round like this]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost..
Date Received: Mon, 16 Mar 1998
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Marvin Pyles
Assistant Director, Organizational Development & Training
Personnel Services Department
Date Received: Mon, 1 Mar 1999
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech
support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the
printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front
of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay,
and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two
computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the
phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No
Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and
our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the
class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and
switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing
and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and
password in capital letters.
Email from a friend:
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a
young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
folded across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15
minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she
was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Date Received: Feb 4, 2008
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Samsung Electronics
RAC Motoring Services
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried Operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software
Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would
you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the
A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was
hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation
between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain
myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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