- Pa (father) (Misc)
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- Pair of Dice (Jokes)
- What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
- Page Turner (Book Titles)
- How to Read a Book: Paige Turner n
- Pall Bearer (Book Titles)
- Grave Mistakes: Paul Bearer
- Pallas (Astronomy)
- The Astronomer King lives, naturally, on the asteroid Pallas.
- Palm (Anatomy)
- Cheerleaders with great hands are known as palm-pom girls.
- Pampas (Geography)
- South American prairie diapers: Pampas.
- Pampers (Book Titles)
- The Hidden Surprise: Pam Perz JG
- Pants (Clothing)
- An out-of-shape tailor pants after a hard run.
- Papaya (Food)
- Mom: "Ted, ask Daddy if he's ill." Ted: "Papaya sick?"
- Paraguay (Geography)
- Get lost! Go Paraguay from me!
- Parana (Geography)
- Denizens of this river can have a big bite: Parana.
- Pardon me (Book Titles)
- The Criminals Of Watergate: Barton Mee JG
- Paris (Geography)
- In poker, a Paris two of a kind.
- Parliament (Toronto)
- By all rights, the legislature buildings should be on Parliament Street.
- Pasadena (Geography)
- "Why is dinner at the far end of the table? Pasadena down here to me!"
- Pass (Football)
- A quarterback's bad game in grammatical terms: Pass imperfect, future tense.
- Past your Red Light (Book Titles)
- Preaching to Hell's Angels: Pastor Redlight 1
- Pasta (Food)
- To politely ask for food at the table, say "Please pasta noodles to me."
- Patella (Anatomy)
- "Patella story to us!" "OK kids, how about The Magic Kneecap?"
- Patent (Book Titles)
- What's Your Invention?: Pat Tent JG
- Patio Furniture (Book Titles)
- Green Lawn Chairs: Patty O'Furniture JG
- Patch (Jokes)
- How did the Great Pumpkin fix the hole in his pants? With a pumpkin patch!
- Paul Bunyan (Book Titles)
- Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks: Paul Bunion
- Pea Soup (Jokes)
- What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
- Peach (Food)
- The fruit magnate was a crook, so he was im-peach-ed.
- Peaches (Food)
- I dropped the ceramic apricot and it broke into a thousand peaches!
- Pear (Food)
- The Apple twins are really quite a pear.
- Peas (Food)
- "All we are saying is give peas a chance."
- Peck (Measures)
- When it comes to selecting a unit of volume, I never know which one to peck!
- Pedals (Cars)
- The prettiest parts of flowers are the pedals.
- Peg Leg (Book Titles)
- The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg JG
- Peking (Geography)
- This is a Geography test! No Peking at another's paper!
- Pembroke (Geography)
- "Did Pam break the window?" "Yes, Pembroke it with a baseball."
- Penecillin (Book Titles)
- The Miracle Drug: Penny Cillin JG
- Penguin (Hockey)
- "I won this pen in a raffle." "I guess that makes you a penguin."
- Penny Pincher (Book Titles)
- Girl On a Budget: Penny Pincher k
- Pennyroyal (Book Titles)
- Herbally Yours: Penny Royal w
- Peppermints (Book Titles)
- The Candy Store: Pepper Mintz JG
- Pepperoni (Book Titles)
- Mexican/Italian Food: Pepe Roney JG
- Perestroika (Book Titles)
- Events In The Soviet Union: Perry Stroika JG
- Periodontal (Book Titles)
- Irish Dentistry: Perry O'Dontal JG
- Perpendicular (Mathematics)
- A dog sitting in a refrigerator: Perpendicular.
- Persecution (Book Titles)
- Oppression of the Masses: Percy Kyution A
- Perth (Geography)
- A Geography student turned into a petty crook-- a Perth snatcher.
- Peru (Geography)
- "One Peru two peruse" is the motto of a South American book club.
- Peso (Money)
- Down with taxes! We have to peso much that we have nothing left for ourselves!
- Pete Moss (Book Titles)
- The Bog: Pete Maas JG
- Pete (Names)
- This man is often found in bogs: Pete.
- Peter Out (Book Titles)
- Slowly Fades: Peter Out A
- Peter Rabbit (Book Titles)
- In Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter Abbott JG
- Phenol (Chemistry)
- Chemistry exams at the end of the year are phenol exams.
- Pheromones (Book Titles)
- Animal Scents: Farrah Mones JG
- Phi (Greek Letters)
- Fee phi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!
- Philadelphia (Book Titles)
- Home of the Liberty Bell: Phil A. Delphia l
- Philharmonic (Book Titles)
- All About Orchestras: Phil Harmonic
- Philodendron (Book Titles)
- Exotic Irish Plants: Phil O'Dendron
- Physical (Jokes)
- A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
- Phnom_Penh (Geography)
- What does a Cambodian write with? A Phnom Penh.
- Pi (Greek Letters)
- I'd like to have some apple pi for dessert.
- Pictou (Geography)
- Freddy got to pick apples! I want to Pictou!
- Pie (Food)
- A mathematician's favourite food: Pie.
- Piggy Bank (Book Titles)
- Save Your Money!: Peggy Bank
- Pika (Animals)
- To pika someone else's test is considered cheating.
- Pine (Forestry)
- If a tree loses its neighbours, will it pine away from loneliness?
- Pink Slip (for getting fired) (Hot Cross Puns)
- What do you get when you cross a banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
- Pints (Measures)
- A half-sized quartz watch is a pintz watch.
- Pisa (Geography)
- All I want is a Pisa the action.
- Pitcher (Baseball)
- Nothing beats the summer heat better than a tall cold pitcher of lemonade.
- Pittsburgh (Geography)
- Because of the big holes in the roads, the city was called Pittsburgh.
- Pixel (Computers)
- She never picks m or n for her variables, she always pixel.
- Pizza (Food)
- All I want is a pizza the action.
- Plain (Geography)
- I don't like fancy atlases. Plain ones are the best.
- Planck (Physics)
- This piece of wood is not a board, it is a Planck.
- Planet (Astronomy)
- If you want an astronomical experiment to succeed, you have to planet carefully.
- Plaster (Jokes)
- What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
- Platinum (Chemistry)
- "I'll knock down these buildings!" "You mean you'll platinum?"
- Pluto (Astronomy)
- What to look for when checking for foot frostbite.
- Poached Eggs (Hot Cross Puns)
- What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
- Pointless (Expressions)
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- Poise (Measures)
- To be the "dancing measurer", you need lots of poise and coordination.
- Polar Bear (Hot Cross Puns)
- What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
- Policy (Book Titles)
- Maritime Rules: Paula See i
- Political (Book Titles)
- Laughing In The White House: Polly Tickle
- Polyester (Book Titles)
- Artificial Clothing: Polly Ester
- Polygon (Mathematics)
- An expression representing the loss of a parrot: Polygon.
- Poplar (Forestry)
- Raising taxes while cutting services never makes a government poplar.
- Porcupine (Hot Cross Puns)
- What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
- Pork Chops (Hot Cross Puns)
- What do you get when you cross a ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
- Porpoise (Animals)
- Pity the ex-mariner, now without any porpoise in life.
- Porsche (Cars)
- I'll mix me a mint julep and sit out on the front Porsche and watch the world go by.
- Porterhouse (Book Titles)
- How to Cook a Steak: Porter House n
- Posen (Geography)
- It seems that all politicians are doing these days is Posen for pictures.
- Potential (Physics)
- "She has an average of 98% in all her Physics courses." "Yes, she has great potential."
- Potsdam (Geography)
- Where would you be if you blocked a river with three huge Dutch ovens? Potsdam.
- Poetry in Motion (Expressions)
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Present (Christmas)
- "Why did you give me a clock for Christmas?" "Because there's no present like the time!"
- Pressed and Ironed (Book Titles)
- Neat Shirts: Preston Ironed
- Pressed (Clothing)
- "I can't stay long! I'm really pressed for time!"
- Pride Cometh Before the Fall (Expressions)
- We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
- Prince (Halifax)
- Snow White at the photo shop: "Some day my Prince will come."
- Principle (Money)
- "It's not school that I hate, it's the principle of the thing."
- Private Parts (Book Titles)
- Keep 'Em That Way: Private Parts l
- Private (Military)
- No peeking there! That's private!
- Profit
- Elijah could not work for charities because they are non-prophet
organizations.*
- Program (Computers)
- A person in favour of metric weights is program.
- Propane (Chemistry)
- A chemistry prof in favour of torture is propane.
- Protein (Chemistry)
- A chemistry teacher in favour of teenagers is protein.
- Proton (Physics)
- Someone in favour of 2000-pound weights is proton.
- Psi (Greek Letters)
- Why are elephants so large? Because of their great psi's.
- Psychopath (Jokes)
- How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
- Psychosis (Book Titles)
- Nuts about You!: Cy Cosis
- Puck (Hockey)
- Robin Goodfellow never liked playing hockey, because he was always the Puck.
- Pull Hard (Book Titles)
- Tug of War: Paul Hard
- Pumpkin Pie (Jokes)
- What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? Pumpkin Pi.
- Pumps (Clothing)
- "My boat is leaking!" "Use your shoes. After all, they're pumps."
- Punjab (Geography)
- If someone hits me after I tell a Geography joke, I would call it a Punjab.
- Pyranees (Geography)
- A group of mountaineers has three sets of knees, their left knees, their right knees and their Pyranees.
- Pyrite (Geology)
- At the circus, a clown threw a fake rock at another and got a pyrite in his face.
- Qatar (Geography)
- A popular TV sitcom featuring the "sweathogs" was "Welcome Back Qatar."
- Quark (Physics)
- All quark and no play makes physicists a dull lot.
- Quarter (Money)
- "Here's 25 cents. Now you can't say I give no quarter in my business deals."
- Quarterback (Football)
- I loaned you 25 cents last week. I want my Quarterback right now.
- Quartette (Music)
- A female quart: Quartette.
- Quartz (Geology)
- There are four quartz to the gallon.
- Quinpool (Halifax)
- Where does Mr. Quinn do his swimming? In the Quinpool.
- Cupid (Book Titles)
- Find Another Lonely Heart: Q. Pid A
- Quintessence (Book Titles)
- The Very Model of a Modern Major General: Quinn Tessence JG
- Quintuplet (Book Titles)
- Third of Five: Quinn Tuplet