Pun Dictionary


This is a project that I have been wanting to do for a long time: documenting every pun in the English language. Ambitious? Definitely. Misguided? Oh, yes. 8-)Will I ever be able to get them all? I doubt it, but it will be fun to try. I'm starting with my own very large collection drawn from all of my humour files, and I'll see what everyone else sends me. First launched April 1, 2007.

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F Entries G Entries H Entries I Entries J Entries
K Entries L Entries M Entries N Entries O Entries
PQ Entries R Entries S Entries TU Entries VZ Entries

Recent Updates

I decided to create this to make it easier for people to see the new jokes. 8-)

June 9, 2013:
H When a make snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.
R One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".

June 1, 2013:
B Cows don't grow on trees, they grow on bo-vines.
C Are the streets of the capital of Afghanistan paved with Kabul-stones?
H If a golf pro were to get a strike in bowling, would s/he call it a "bowl in one"?
H Why did the golfer get new socks? Because s/he got a hole in one!
I How I Win Races: Aaron Quigley
I The cobbler's song: "I Shod the Sheriff (But I Didn't Shoe his Deputy)"
N Joe: "I am a proponent of birth control for goats!" Moe: "No kidding?"
PQ Is the literary magazine for singers Quill & Choir?
TU What do martial artists use to make bread? Tae Kwan-dough.

May 26, 2013:
M "Why I Like Cantaloupe" by Melanie Flavour.
PQ The author of a book about sneaking up on chickens and scaring them won the Pulletsurprise.

May 15, 2013:
M How to deal with the electronic dandelions: Modem.
P If Stephen Harper and his Tories changed their minds about legalizing marijuana, they could be called the Pro-Grassive Conservaties.
R Is "Put on your seatbelt!" a restraining order?
R Why did Silly Billy get kicked out of the car show? He kept putting butter on the Rolls!
S Is an audience of traitors, turncoats and quislings a sell-out crowd?
TU Beware of traitorous light switches - they will turn on you.

April 18, 2013:
B What do you call it when a bull eats a bomb? Abominable!
B Would you buy a whoopee cushion from a blow-out sale?
C Is cobbler the preferred dessert at the Cannibal Shoe and Bootmaker's Convention?
E How do you make an elephant light? Have him hold a light bulb with his trunk and plug his tail into the electric socket.
H When the ornithologist nearly lost his toupée in the wind, he said "It's really hard to keep my heron!"
PQ Why aren't police paddy-wagons painted "perp"le?
R You can tell a crow is crazy when it's a raven.

April 1, 2013:
VZ Is the premier athletic event of cattle thieves called Rustlemania?
H What's similar between Cyrano de Bergerac and French Protestants? The French Protestants are Huguenots, and Cyrano had a huge nose.
PQ Where does one go to get neckwear that looks like bacon? A pigsty!

March 14, 2013:
TU Do I have to go to a toolbar to get hammered?
PQ When things heat up in the Middle East, we should send them jigsaw puzzle boxes, since they're great piecekeepers.
PQ Don't iron your rabbit's foot - you don't want to press your luck!
H "Will there be a puff of white smoke? Nevermore!" sighed Edgar Allan Popelessly.

February 24, 2013:
C Even plumbers are getting into "alternative therapies". To clear blocked sinks or toilets, an "alternative" plumber will don wooden shoes and dance a two-minute jig around the offending item, which will then miraculously start to work again. They call it the "clog dance".
VZ You and your pasta jokes! Fusilli!

February 17, 2013:
A Is a single person who likes Abba an abalone?
D Is a cross-dressing race car driver a dragster?
L If people in the Mob are mobsters, why aren't lawyers called lobsters?
O If young people are referred to as youngsters, why aren't Yiddish people called oysters?
TU Do psychopathic mimes commit unspeakable crimes?

February 13, 2013:
C Geometers don't use rope, they use chords.
C The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.
R Flowering Bushes: Rhoda Dendron
S A mathematician's pickup line at a singles bar: "Hey, baby, what's your sine?"

January 25, 2013:
A Abundance: The Waltz of the Rolls.
A A mortician teacher might say "If you have a question, just casket!"
B I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
B Off-colour jokes are, for morticians, bawdy humour.
B When the mortician died while doing carpentry, he became a board stiff.
C I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
D The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
E When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
H Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.
N Where do optometrists and ophthamologists come from? Noman. Noman is an eye-land.
VZ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Forget this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

January 10, 2013: Judo: What you can find in a kosher bakery.

Contributors

Many thanks to the following people who have contributed to the dictionary!

Sonny Scott, Linda Lew.

This page last updated .