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June 9, 2013:
H When a make snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.
R One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".
June 1, 2013:
B Cows don't grow on trees, they grow on bo-vines.
C Are the streets of the capital of Afghanistan paved with Kabul-stones?
H If a golf pro were to get a strike in bowling, would s/he call it a "bowl in one"?
H Why did the golfer get new socks? Because s/he got a hole in one!
I How I Win Races: Aaron Quigley
I The cobbler's song: "I Shod the Sheriff (But I Didn't Shoe his Deputy)"
N Joe: "I am a proponent of birth control for goats!" Moe: "No kidding?"
PQ Is the literary magazine for singers Quill & Choir?
TU What do martial artists use to make bread? Tae Kwan-dough.
May 26, 2013:
M "Why I Like Cantaloupe" by Melanie Flavour.
PQ The author of a book about sneaking up on chickens and scaring them won the Pulletsurprise.
May 15, 2013:
M How to deal with the electronic dandelions: Modem.
P If Stephen Harper and his Tories changed their minds about legalizing marijuana, they could be called the Pro-Grassive Conservaties.
R Is "Put on your seatbelt!" a restraining order?
R Why did Silly Billy get kicked out of the car show? He kept putting butter on the Rolls!
S Is an audience of traitors, turncoats and quislings a sell-out crowd?
TU Beware of traitorous light switches - they will turn on you.
April 18, 2013:
B What do you call it when a bull eats a bomb? Abominable!
B Would you buy a whoopee cushion from a blow-out sale?
C Is cobbler the preferred dessert at the Cannibal Shoe and Bootmaker's Convention?
E How do you make an elephant light? Have him hold a light bulb with his trunk and plug his tail into the electric socket.
H When the ornithologist nearly lost his toupée in the wind, he said "It's really hard to keep my heron!"
PQ Why aren't police paddy-wagons painted "perp"le?
R You can tell a crow is crazy when it's a raven.
April 1, 2013:
VZ Is the premier athletic event of cattle thieves called Rustlemania?
H What's similar between Cyrano de Bergerac and French Protestants? The French Protestants are Huguenots, and Cyrano had a huge nose.
PQ Where does one go to get neckwear that looks like bacon? A pigsty!
March 14, 2013:
TU Do I have to go to a toolbar to get hammered?
PQ When things heat up in the Middle East, we should send them jigsaw puzzle boxes, since they're great piecekeepers.
PQ Don't iron your rabbit's foot - you don't want to press your luck!
H "Will there be a puff of white smoke? Nevermore!" sighed Edgar Allan Popelessly.
February 24, 2013:
C Even plumbers are getting into "alternative therapies". To clear blocked sinks or toilets, an "alternative" plumber will don wooden shoes and dance a two-minute jig around the offending item, which will then miraculously start to work again. They call it the "clog dance".
VZ You and your pasta jokes! Fusilli!
February 17, 2013:
A Is a single person who likes Abba an abalone?
D Is a cross-dressing race car driver a dragster?
L If people in the Mob are mobsters, why aren't lawyers called lobsters?
O If young people are referred to as youngsters, why aren't Yiddish people called oysters?
TU Do psychopathic mimes commit unspeakable crimes?
February 13, 2013:
C Geometers don't use rope, they use chords.
C The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.
R Flowering Bushes: Rhoda Dendron
S A mathematician's pickup line at a singles bar: "Hey, baby, what's your sine?"
January 25, 2013:
A Abundance: The Waltz of the Rolls.
A A mortician teacher might say "If you have a question, just casket!"
B I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
B Off-colour jokes are, for morticians, bawdy humour.
B When the mortician died while doing carpentry, he became a board stiff.
C I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
D The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
E When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
H Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.
N Where do optometrists and ophthamologists come from? Noman. Noman is an eye-land.
VZ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Forget this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
January 10, 2013: Judo: What you can find in a kosher bakery.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew.
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