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November 23, 2013:
ALarge Pig Brassieres: Abraham D. Cupp
C Do ducks hook up TVs with quaxial cables?
D If a cannibal were to attend a political convention, would it be as a del-leg-ate?
N The part of Africa that supplies novice gamers is Noobia.
S Defibrillators are an example of "shock and awe". You shock the patient, and say "Aww, yay!" if it works, or "Aww, crap!" if it doesn't.
October 14, 2013:
A "Yes, I agree to smell like a donkey," Tom assented.
B If a dumb student is a moron, is a boring chemistry prof a boron?
C If you were to bring pasta into a canoe, would that be for canoodling?
C If you were to disrobe while in a canoe, would you be ca-nude?
C Once there was a girl named Anne who buried a bar of soap every time she got an ice cream cone. She was called Cone-Anne the Bar-Bury-Anne.
C Sheep don't have disasters, they have ca-lamb-ities.
G A company that makes really large wind chimes could be called "Gong with the Wind".
G If a good cannibal dies, does s/he go to the Garden of Eaten?
L What's a sheep's favourite Latin dance? The Lambada.
September 14, 2013:
B The Life of Quasimodo: Belle Ringer
H Joe's a Politician: Eli Always
VZ Sour Drinks Make Me Growl: Vinnie Grrr
In addition to these book titles, I discovered that when I was initially compiling the Pun Dictionary, I'd only included the Tom Swifties up to (but not including) the letter J! I have now incorporated as many of them as I can (I had to omit several because I couldn't figure out what the pun was on!). That's an extra 450 puns or so for you! Aren't you excited? 8-)
October 12, 2013:
A Nick the chemist was also a pyromaniac. He was known in the underworld as "Arsenic".
B If a dumb student is a moron, is a boring chemistry prof a boron?
C A chemist baked some rolls in the shapes of automobiles. He called them carbons.
C What chemical doctors do to diseases: curium.
S How a chemist digitizes photos: she scandium.
S What the cops did to the chemist's illegal drugs: Cesium.
S How did the Lone Ranger injure the fortune teller? He crossed her palms with Silver.
September 8, 2013:
Accumulated updates from over the summer...
A Nail in the Bannister: R. Stornoff
A What's the Prison for Deer called? Elkatraz.
B I should call my car "Egg" because it's an old beater.
B If I were to open a sandwich shop with a Queen (the rock group) theme, could I call it Bohemian Wrapsody?
B Mummies are bound to be uptight.
B On which holiday does the sheriff expect a spike in sheep rustling? Bastille Day.
C The head of the cannibal tribe's "army" was seen going into the Chief's hut for a meeting. He then left in a hurry, ran off into the forest and was never seen again. Apparently he was told that he was going to become the Commander-in-Chief.
D A friend recently finished work on a deck. I suggested that at Christmas he could put it on a flatbed truck. Then instead of "Deck the Halls" he could sing "Haul the Decks".
F Egypt and Norway have something in common. In Egypt, the Pharaoh ruled for as far as his eye could see - the Pharaoh Eye-Lands. Norway controls the Faroe Islands.
F What kind of candy should remain in your imagination? A fig mint.
F What's the difference between a philanthropist and an orthopedist? A philanthropist foots the bill, while an orthopedist bills the foot.
F You can feel safe around an annoyed cannibal because he's already fed up.
G If a cannibal says he's got your back, would you feel reassured?
G Is a courageous cannibal said to have guts?
L The competitive cannibal is said to have a leg up on the competition.
M "The 13th letter of the alphabet is really large!" said Tom emphatically.
M The Letter Z: Marko Zorro
R I recently posed for an art class making sculptures from bread. I was a roll model.
S Clockmakers never win races. They always come in second place.
S Darn kids. I had to take one to the hospital because he's somehow gotten 6 plastic horses stuck up his ass. Doctors described his condition as stable.
S I went to the toy store to get a Benedict Arnold Action Figure, but it had sold out.
VZ The motto of the International Timekeeper's Union is "The world is hours".
VZ Would the Toy Story song "You Have a Friend in Me" be different if it were sung by cannibals?
June 24, 2013:
A How about the cannibal who complained about the price of gas, saying it cost an arm and a leg to fill the tank?
B I had to choose being a programmer over being a shipbuilder, because my barque is worse than my byte.
C News Flash! 100 hares escape from the zoo! Police are combing the area.
C Would a picture of a clown removing his/her clothes be a comic strip?
O Once there was a town whose florist shop was a front for the Mafia. One day a pair of monks opened their own flower shop, offering better prices and service. They were good and pious men and resisted all attempts to bribe and intimidate them. Finally, the Mafiosi had to call in the specialist. Hugh Jass was expensive, but his powerful, noxious flatulence killed the flowers, ignited and burned down the shop, and drove the good monks away. This goes to show that only Hugh can put out florist friars.
S The Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, i.e. It Scandinavian.
TU Did you hear about the cannibal who threw up his hands in frustration?
TU When the photon checked in at the hotel, the bellhop asked if he could take his bags. The photon said "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
TU Kleptomaniacs take things literally.
June 9, 2013:
H When a make snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.
R One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".
June 1, 2013:
B Cows don't grow on trees, they grow on bo-vines.
C Are the streets of the capital of Afghanistan paved with Kabul-stones?
H If a golf pro were to get a strike in bowling, would s/he call it a "bowl in one"?
H Why did the golfer get new socks? Because s/he got a hole in one!
I How I Win Races: Aaron Quigley
I The cobbler's song: "I Shod the Sheriff (But I Didn't Shoe his Deputy)"
N Joe: "I am a proponent of birth control for goats!" Moe: "No kidding?"
PQ Is the literary magazine for singers Quill & Choir?
TU What do martial artists use to make bread? Tae Kwan-dough.
May 26, 2013:
M "Why I Like Cantaloupe" by Melanie Flavour.
PQ The author of a book about sneaking up on chickens and scaring them won the Pulletsurprise.
May 15, 2013:
M How to deal with the electronic dandelions: Modem.
P If Stephen Harper and his Tories changed their minds about legalizing marijuana, they could be called the Pro-Grassive Conservaties.
R Is "Put on your seatbelt!" a restraining order?
R Why did Silly Billy get kicked out of the car show? He kept putting butter on the Rolls!
S Is an audience of traitors, turncoats and quislings a sell-out crowd?
TU Beware of traitorous light switches - they will turn on you.
April 18, 2013:
B What do you call it when a bull eats a bomb? Abominable!
B Would you buy a whoopee cushion from a blow-out sale?
C Is cobbler the preferred dessert at the Cannibal Shoe and Bootmaker's Convention?
E How do you make an elephant light? Have him hold a light bulb with his trunk and plug his tail into the electric socket.
H When the ornithologist nearly lost his toupée in the wind, he said "It's really hard to keep my heron!"
PQ Why aren't police paddy-wagons painted "perp"le?
R You can tell a crow is crazy when it's a raven.
April 1, 2013:
VZ Is the premier athletic event of cattle thieves called Rustlemania?
H What's similar between Cyrano de Bergerac and French Protestants? The French Protestants are Huguenots, and Cyrano had a huge nose.
PQ Where does one go to get neckwear that looks like bacon? A pigsty!
March 14, 2013:
TU Do I have to go to a toolbar to get hammered?
PQ When things heat up in the Middle East, we should send them jigsaw puzzle boxes, since they're great piecekeepers.
PQ Don't iron your rabbit's foot - you don't want to press your luck!
H "Will there be a puff of white smoke? Nevermore!" sighed Edgar Allan Popelessly.
February 24, 2013:
C Even plumbers are getting into "alternative therapies". To clear blocked sinks or toilets, an "alternative" plumber will don wooden shoes and dance a two-minute jig around the offending item, which will then miraculously start to work again. They call it the "clog dance".
VZ You and your pasta jokes! Fusilli!
February 17, 2013:
A Is a single person who likes Abba an abalone?
D Is a cross-dressing race car driver a dragster?
L If people in the Mob are mobsters, why aren't lawyers called lobsters?
O If young people are referred to as youngsters, why aren't Yiddish people called oysters?
TU Do psychopathic mimes commit unspeakable crimes?
February 13, 2013:
C Geometers don't use rope, they use chords.
C The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.
R Flowering Bushes: Rhoda Dendron
S A mathematician's pickup line at a singles bar: "Hey, baby, what's your sine?"
January 25, 2013:
A Abundance: The Waltz of the Rolls.
A A mortician teacher might say "If you have a question, just casket!"
B I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
B Off-colour jokes are, for morticians, bawdy humour.
B When the mortician died while doing carpentry, he became a board stiff.
C I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
D The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
E When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
H Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.
N Where do optometrists and ophthamologists come from? Noman. Noman is an eye-land.
VZ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Forget this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
January 10, 2013: Judo: What you can find in a kosher bakery.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew.
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